I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
