i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
