there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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