you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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