I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
