after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
