we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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