Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
