a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
