my phone needs a breathalizer
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
