there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i came on her dog
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
