No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
