Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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