I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
