normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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