I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
