is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
