When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
