the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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