Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had sex on a roof
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
