he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
