I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Jerry, you need to find god
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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