The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
