I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
