take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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