she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
