I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
