you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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