i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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