I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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