I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
