you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
