What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
