If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
