The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
