I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
