He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
