I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
