If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
