he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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