I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
