please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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