Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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