remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
