Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
