this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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