I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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