I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
