My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
