yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
