so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
