I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
