I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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